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To whoever finds themselves reading,

Hello, I don't know if anyone will ever read this. I very seriously doubt it, But I wanted to have somewhere outside of the physical to tell everything. My mind has felt like a hamster wheel for as long as I can remember. From the moment I found myself able to blink, look around, observe, my thoughts have whirred onward with no end in sight. I think and think and think about nothing and everything until it swells deep in my chest. The hamster wheel keeps whirling. It crawls up my throat, burning like sparklers behind my eyes. It crawls down my spine, plants roots around my shoulders. Strings itself tight around the sinews, binding me together like a compressed spring. My hands are always shaking. Moreso now than ever. For as long as I know, this has been my life. I could bare it. It was only me, after all.

I'm not alone anymore. I know I wasn't really *alone,* before, not in technicality. But Stevie has never been dependant on anyone but herself. One of the infinite things I admire and love about her. But still, I was alone in my fate. It's hitting me now, just how much that has changed. A human life. One that will depend on me. What am I to do with that? A shameful, disgusting part of me wants to leave. Back out. Say, I can't do it, and give up. That part of me is bigger than I will ever admit. But I can say to you with certain that Stevie is the most wonderful, radiant woman I have ever met. To leave her would be the greatest mistake of my life.

I don't think I will make a good father. Stevie says otherwise. I don't know how to believe her, despite her unwavering candor. When I looked at the baby for the first time, I felt only an overwhelming sense of dread. Like I had crossed a threshold that could never be uncrossed, one that would lead to something utterly terrible. I don't know why. I know it's because I skipped my medicine this morning. I know it. I love him. I do. I swear to you.

I will never tell anyone this. I know I am terrible, and I don't know how I have gone so long with my peers believing otherwise. I am no different than the bacteria and parasites writhing in the idiosyncrasies of every surface. My head just won't stop going. I wish I had brought my Walkman.

I promise I will try my best to take care of you. Evan, I love you with all my heart.